10.07.2025

Dear Diary

It has become clear to me that I need an outlet to get my thoughts together before I blow up. I had a fight with Rob on Saturday morning. I was upset and my reaction was uncalled for. The worst part was that when we sat down to talk about it, I didn't even know why I was mad. 

I determined that I was so upset because Rob & I have not had sex in a while. He has anxiety and depression and that mixed with all the other meds he takes to keep going, his sex drive has tanked. My sex drive has not though. So I think I was upset because I am not having sex and I don't feel loved because somehow that two are connected for me and I need to work on that. But when I tried to express it, I found all the ways that Rob actually makes me feel loved but clearly I have not been paying much attention to. So I decided to handle the problem I thought I had. 

Wait for it....

I googled "living with husband that has depression and no sex drive" because I felt justified in MY problem. I ended up on a REDDIT site that was a woman somewhat in the same position as me and what I read floored me. Everyone explained to her that she is putting her sex drive over his mental health. She implied that he was getting help but she was feeling disconnected. Her feelings were not invalid and I know my feelings are not invalid either but it just made me so aware. I was pouting that I am not getting sex when he is struggling to get out of bed in the morning. The more I read, the more I realized how silly I had been. I was thinking of him as a sex object and nothing else had mattered. I need a toy.

Rob has been working with a nurse once a week regarding his meds. He has been talking to a therapist and talking about seeing a psychiatrist. He gives me a kiss each time he walks in the door and goes out the door. He gives me amazing hugs. He sits next to me on the couch. He snuggles with me when I need/ask for it. Those are all the physical things that I can list but the physical list doesn't show the life we have built that I have been ignoring somehow. 

We run a house together. Rob does all the laundry. He does the dishes 50% of the time. He always asks if I need anything on my way home. He takes care of the yard with Robbie. He cleans the garage. He always carries in the bags for me. He will pick up dinner or figure it out anytime I am not home...for everyone in the house. He is always ready to help with rides and anything I need. He refuses to let me pay when we are out together. He holds my hand when I reach for him and he opens the door for me...most of the time. 

This is a list of things but it's not what's in my heart. I chose this man. I not only chose him but I agreed to buy his house for him to keep his kids in that house and not lose it. But somehow I have not taken the plunge into being with him. It's almost as if I have been playing house. I think that I actually accused him of that at one point but in hind sight, I think that I am the one who was doing it. I wasn't doing it intentionally. I was acting like the house was mine and I was taking care of him and not looking at it like a partnership at all. I don't know what has happened to me.

In addition to that, health insurance is about to skyrocket. I told him on the news is said that it could triple and I can't afford that. I told him that I might have to go the year without health insurance. He told me that he would just have to add me to his. I think this is the first serious move he has made with me and it actually surprised me more than it should have. His willingness was so casual and matter of fact. Is this the first serious move or is it just the first serious move I have chosen to see. I have done nothing but take care of myself, not let him into my world, keep him at bay and just handle things. And in all that, it has left me feeling isolated even though I have done it to myself.

Between the realization that I was just treating him like a sex object and his willingness to add me to his health insurance, I realize just how stupid I have been. I have this amazing man that has chosen to share his life with me and vice versa and I was so stuck on sex that I didn't see it. I thought I was entitled to my feelings (and I am) but not the extent that his mental health takes a back seat. I am not sure how I didn't see it. I was really so preoccupied with how I was feeling and my problems that I didn't see what it could be doing to him. How much worse I was making it for him by making him feel even worse. 

So I have taken a step back and am learning to appreciate the man that I have without sex right now. Sex has to be off the table and I am ok with that, I have to be. I have been sending him messages, which I had stopped. I have been snuggling with him, which I had stopped. I have been watching my tone because I only had one tone all the time and it was sarcastic and mad at everything he did. 

I honestly don't know how he tolerated me. I feel like my emotions were borderline bi-polar. I am also researching my relationship attachment style because I was going 1-100 in a second flat when I was triggered. I am still working on my triggers. I know what they are but I don't know why there and they don't make any sense to me at all. My triggers are him choosing to spend time with anyone but me. That sounds so stupid as I write it because I like my alone time but it's not about me or my time, it's about him. I was jealous of the time he was spending with anyone else. Rob barely does anything except for work, sports, things with Maddie, things with Robbie, football games and the knights every once in a while. He is home with me when he is not doing one of those things. I started asking myself why I was mad. The answer always surprised me because it is not something I should be mad about. I would be doing any of those same things with my kids and I do. I have been not fair with him but I still do not understand why. Science says that it has something to do with something that previously happened in my life but I haven't figured that part out yet. Time to research.